jepay

Jepay

my baby,my life
the reason I strive harder and
try to be a better person...Love you so much Bunini!!!

Jepay

Today I am scared to death, and am lifting my life to you oh Lord
I'm 33 years old and waiting for the final diagnosis of a disease
I've been battling for years,the doctor says the worst is yet to come..
I thank the lord for this wonderful life. I know I have abandoned him
these past few years but I never stopped loving him, I just didn't have the
time to show him how important he is to me.
I am still in a blur and can't comprehend what is about to happen.
I have repeatedly asked for his forgiveness for all my shortcomings..
to all the people I've hurt in the past,I am deeply sorry and for all those who
have hurt me,you have been forgiven.
All I ask from God is to give me time to prepare and be ready to whatever
his path leads me. I pray he gives me the courage to accept things I cannot change 
and for the people around me to have the healing in their hearts.

I'm writing this for my family to read one day when I can no longer write
especially for my beautiful daughter whom I hope I can see go thru her life
To my mom to spend more years with us, my brother to be strong for all of us
all my tito and tita to remember me dearly.
To my beautiful cousins, for sharing my life. My friends for never leaving my side,
I can never go through life without you..
I love you all and hope you will never 
forget me...
 

Jepay

I enjoyed reading a blog post by one of a single mom like me,it's nice to know that there are some out there who's life is somewhat the same with mine. I liked reading my life from another person's point of view. I can relate to it and find solace too. And so I qoute:

See, I still feel resentment towards the father of my daughter because he decided to leave, and forced me to become a single parent. It's different from women choosing to be single moms, I did not choose this, it was dumped on my shoulders along with the humiliation that comes with the status. And until now,even if I say I have forgiven him. I still feel bad on why I should be the only one that is responsible for everything. 
So setting aside the non father, I was comfortable  with the thought that mommy is enough.It made me think hard and question myself
-Am I really enough for my daughter?
-will she have a solid future with just me? 
-should I provide a father for my daughter?
Then I start doubting myself.
-Am I really a person worth loving?
-Is my single parent status preventing me  to make the most out of my life?
-Do men avoid being good friends with me for the fear of leading me on and for the fear that
I might take advantage of them?
-Is it better if I stay away from guys to avoid being judged?
-Should I stay single by choice, even if someone does come along,just to prove to people that Iam independent and I do not need somebody else's help to raise my child
-Do I really have to prove anything to anyone?

I have always made friends with guys in the past,but now, I seemed I have developed an interest in getting to know men who have lost their fathers either through death,separation or were simply
abandoned when they were young. My reason, I want to know their thoughts,see their hearts,and understand them. So I'll know how to deal with my daughter when she grows older.

I still feel upset about my situation(gosh I have to deal with this my entire life)but I guess it's a good thing for me to be figuratively slapped on the face once in a while, the world is cruel and single moms like me should stay in their place and that is with their children and not out there looking for replacement fathers. If someone wants to be part of my life,then he would have to find a way. I do not want to sound desperate, but I do hope he doesn't get lost.

And before my daughter gets upset (she might read this blog) that abortion thing crossed my mind but I know that I would never have the guts to do it. I know that single parents like me will eventually be forgiven and accepted by society but abortionist will be haunted by that one mistake forever, So baby,don't worry I love you, you are my precious jewel!

So how has it been for me as a single parent? I get the best of both worlds, I guess. I get to spend time with my daughter, and I don't have to share her with in-laws. No one to judge me that I am a worthless mother, No one to tell me how to discipline my daughter,where to send her to school,what clothes to buy for her. And most of all,no one to judge me for not working hard enough to buy my daughter toys and fancy stuff. 

I get to go out with friends, I get to choose what hobbies to pursue. And no one tells me not to go with such and such because he is getting jealous. 

The downside-people judge me, Sure they say,"Oh I admire you for your strength",Oh you are so stong" etc,etc. Well I do appreciate those, if they mean to encourage me.But I know people,men in particular,look down on my status because Iam a single parent. And if you are a guy, you know that you do not want to date someone like me. Someone who could become financially dependent on you,someone who could be passing on the responsibility to you,someone who have issues from the past that you have to deal with too. And that's what keeps me from trusting people. Because I know they are trying to be kind  and polite and I also know that one little mistake and I'm done. I would be that single mom who messed up. And I would have to worry about my daughter that she will have to grow up and find out how miserable I am.

But am I really miserable? Will I be dependent on a man to raise my daughter? Will I marry for money?Most women do, Maybe I can.But I'd rather not,Because simply, I wasn't raised that way!

Single parenthood has taught me to be strong,to stand up for myself and to redeem my self worth by fighting.I still need to learn how not to cry. But I hope the time will come, I can face them and I don't have to feel weak and worthless anymore. 

Single parenthood has taught me to be more compassionate and considerate of others. It has also taught me to not depend on others for everything. I know I do need help,but there are responsibilities that are non-negotiable and non-transferable,one of which is raising my daughter.

Single parenthood has taught me to find ways to make sure we don't just get by but that we can have a real future to look forward to. I have learned not to depend on other people's decision,to wait for help to come. I have learned that it is the simple joys of having a child that makes all the pain so worth it. 

So after too much ranting.I know in the end I have to be thankful for having a very convenient life of not having to answer for anyone but my God,my Mom & my daughter.And they all love me much more than I deserve.

This blogpost is an adaptation from another bright mind who happens to be in the same situation I'm in. This is for my family,my daughter,my mom,my brother and sister in law who never faltered to believe in me. And cheers to the future,the best is yet to come!!!
 

Jepay

Am really falling for this guy..I dunno if he likes me but he's way younger than Iam
But he's smart,responsible,silent type. I just realized that in my 30 plus years existence
the ideal guy for me is tall,skinny and silent type with pretty eyes.
Most of my love interest are of this kind. But he's way too good for me.
Nevertheless I wish him the best and silently love him.
I just hope he loves me too.. I hope I can make him stay with me..
If only he knew, but I know most likely he's aware of how much I like him...
For now, I only wanted to be there for him..

Jepay

It's the depressing season again..hehehe.
I dont mind being single,duh it's been awhile but I still cant help it.
I should know by now but I have been having these round about w/ a Guy in my office.Don't know if this is what I want or if I'm just mentally stimulated with how he tries to mentally challenge me. Or it may be that I was interpreting it the wrong way. So fuckin, mind boggling.If only I knew what he thinks,I wont be tormented this way..I can always go out with other guys but why am sulking over the one I cant have or can I possibly have ???Am a mess..